Third time is a charm.

After a very successful spring tour Jagermeister once again tapped The Lizardman and Dr. Grift to host the fall tour in 2004. With Slayer returning as the headliners and most of the crew returning from previous tours we knew we were in for for a good time. As always, I maintained a (near) daily journal of notable events on my IAM page. Below I have transcribed all the entries from the tour and added some additional commentary along with photos.

 

2004/10/28 20:40

 

Big thanks to Mark for driving us up to Springfield, MO yesterday.
We met up with the rest of the jager crew: Jimi, Russ, Weaver, & JagerRob. Then proceeded to get "tore the fuck up". The tour bus arrived this morning and that is where I am now - we have the same bus and driver as the last tour with Slipknot, very nice - I feel at home and I've got my usual bunk (drivers side top all the way back).

In the realm of odd omens and portents, I found a full canister of pepper spray on the sidewalk while walking to dinner at a nearby bar.

2004/10/29 19:16

 

I'm creative but I'm not this creative:

"Beijing is in Japan, I've been there." & "China is the most technologically advanced country in the world".

-those are direct and literal quotes from one of the drunk girls that my tour mates let on the bus last night. I amused myself by making sarcastic comments and laughing at them.

Today began after about a four hour nap with a liquor delivery (we are STOCKED!!) and then trips to pick up give away swag and production items. Somehow I find myself still functioning and not tired - my theory: beer and jager are great fuel for the human machine.

2004/10/30 15:09

 

Lets pretend you know absolutely nothing about me - here's something you should pick up on quickly: I am a huge sucker for Mortal Kombat. Love the entire series.

Yesterday we grabbed the latest (Deception) for the ps2 on the tour bus.

Out-fucking-standing.

Productivity projections for my work output on this tour just went down dramatcially.

2004/10/31 14:22

Up at 5:30am, bus drive to venue at 5:45am for a 6am start. Our first day is due to be a long day, but its nice to have the extra time for everything.

We have spent a lot of time so far re-working the tv screen frames - they are large custom art pieces but had tech issues that we resolved by buiding some new pieces for them - thank you home depot.

Now I need to think about sets and pitches.

2004/11/01 15:01

St Louis gave us a tremendous send off to start the tour. It was a very long day but it was all worthwhile when they started screaming and moving. Things will only get better from here as it all tightens up.

We tried out a new (for us) variation of the darts, Dr Grift now throws them into my chest and stomach instead of my back - there is definitely a difference looking right at someone and seeing the dart fly into your flesh. In our typical fashion, we only tried it out first on the bus a few hours before doors.

I did have one problem though, the hot water bag didn't explode - one of the seams tore and the air leaked out but without the explosion. I was pretty angry but doing the darts afterward brought the crowd back to us and helped fix my mood.

During and after the show I got to hang out and talk with Tom and Kerry from Slayer. They are both incredibly cool. Mastodon and Killswitch Enagge had great sets and I think we're all going to work together very well.

 

Today we are spending a day off in Madison, WI.

2004/11/03 11:02

On basic principle I will never see any government as good, but there are relative degrees of better and worse. I do not believe we are in an improving situation.

We left Madison around 12:30am and rolled up to the venue (the Quest) in Minneapolis about 8:30am for a 9am load in. There are still some small bumps now and then but things are coming together well. Despite a cramped stage the change overs went well and we got plenty of time between bands. We also started a new nightly ritual of going out onstage during KillSwitch Engage's set and doing shots with Adam (guitar) while he plays.

Today we're in Milwaukee setting up at the Eagles Ballroom. I'm still amazed I'm getting up with the crew every day - I could sleep in but its nice to help them out when I can. Behold the power of water (my best guess for improved performance is good hydration)

The darts provided some extra 'fun' last night. We added three more darts for six to the chest but that wasn't the 'fun' part. The 'fun' part was when my partner Dr Grift decided to put the first one directly into my nipple and then overcorrect by throwing the second one into my collar bone almost my throat.

2004/11/11 10:52

Today I am in NYC at Roseland and its always nuts, so I have plenty to do.

I took out my nipple piercings due to losing a bead, since I was looking to get them removed (the nipples) anyway this isn't a big deal - though I did want to save the tissue with the piercings in them...

2004/11/12 11:33

On any given show date on the Jagermeister Music Tour I consume more than the medically advisable amount of alcohol. Last night was no exception and thanks to the presence of many friends who also wanted to get inebriated I ended up getting good and drunk. Kids, don't try this at home - I am a professional. To wit, I have refined my drunken instincts such that at a certain point I reflexively put myself to bed. On tour this means suddenly realizing I need to go to my bunk before I get out of hand. And since we had to shut down the bus generator for the theater next door I already had a target in mind. If more drunks did this we could avoid a lot of trouble.

Short list of cool people I got to see and drink with last night:

Keith (IAM: nootrope) & Melissa
Tiny (old rugby teammate)
Flattop (of the NYPD)
Evil Jared
John

2004/11/13 10:46

Last night we played in New Jersey - a small cramped room full of "colorful" characters inside and cold rain outside. All in all it was a good show but there were definitely 'bumps' like fights and extreme drunkeness (even in the VIP) and this time it wasn't any of us. After NYC we all seemed to take a collective day of sobriety or near sobriety. My fun moment was while introducing Slayer - the crowds are Slayer crowds and prone to scream and chant for the band at the expense of everyone else but thus far they have been good to me. I think they realize I am there to fill the dead time between bands and that when I am there it means the band will be coming up soon. Last night though, they did try to drown me out with a Slayer chant - not that I care, I want them to be rabid and ready for the band. My answer, I cheered them on for chanting and then got them to quiet down so they could get in unison and do it right. Problem solved on with the show.

We are in Worcester right now and there is snow - dammit! Day off tommorow and a monster catch up entry is on the way for the downtime days.

2004/11/14 14:30

Providence, RI - currently in the very nice Biltmore hotel. Last night was Worcester. It wasa great show and I got "Slayer-ed" per Kerry King. The crowd was good to me all night but before Slayer they were just too worked up and no matter what I did they just screamed for the band. No big deal, as I said before, its really just funny to me - since even if I did walk off early it wouldnt get the band on any sooner. Kerry was side stage and chuckling about it with me as I came off.

2004/11/14 18:46

Went to the nearby mall today and indulged a bit: greasy pizza, subway, pretzel with cheese sauce, fulll metal jacket dvd, and a blinky air freshener for Meghan. I got a lot of recognition too, talked with lots of people and took pictures - I was a bit off in my own world, so I hope I made them all happy.

I'm trying to catch up on lots of little tasks - I kind of wish I just had one monumental one instead (the grass is always greener, right).

The current issue of Prick has a really nice full page piece on me and I just got to watch Chimaira's dvd which has a couple small cameos of me.

2004/11/15 10:52

Requests have been made for more entries on the various aspects of touring, so...

Touring means:

socks and shirts are disposable items (underwear too if you wear it)
sleep happens in naps
food is a variable
bottled water is currency
showering is more weekly than daily
baby wipes are the basis of hygeine
locating a clean toilet is a daily adventure
you will become completely familiar with the bodily functions of your bus mates and they will know yours

In short, being on tour is a combination of some of the highest living and basest wallowing possible.

I love it.

2004/11/16 11:41

 

Kerry King says "That's Wacky"

We were hanging out with Kerry before the show and explaining Dr. Grift's eye hooks to him and that was his response.

Last night started a little slow but got wild. My buddy Ses Carny showed up, followed by some of the ROP guys, and then Kirk and friends from the Boston Tattoo Convention. I made an effort to restrain my consumption but at the end of the night it was time to do shots in Slayer's dressing room: jager & sambuca (mixed not separate). I love them both but they did a number on me.

Portland is quite nice - we got a very good response at the show last night and we are spending our day off here today. Our hotel and the venue are close to an art college which probably explains why I have been seeing the fnord tags around the area - good to know discordianism is still doing nicely.

One thing I haven't seen though is a laundrymat - I was hoping to do laundry but instead I'll do tour laundry. tour laundry = febreeze your clothes and hang them in the bus lounge to air dry.

2004/11/18 11:26

As a general principle I try to be in my bunk when the bus is rolling - to the point that it now actually puts me to sleep. Last night we rolled at 10pm though, so it was a bit early for bed, especially when we usually roll at around 2am. I stayed up for awhile playing Mortal Kombat and hanging out. when I did hit the bunk I got to use one of those odd tour skills you develop when on the road. I first developed the technique back in 99 on my first national tour with Godsmack. Its not all that hard but fairly essential:

Removing, cleaning and storing contacts while laying down in a bunk on a moving bus.

Philadelphia today, Cleveland tommorow, Niagara after that - weird routing these next few days. Looking forward to seeing the Chimaira boys in Cleveland.

2004/11/19 11:55

Another show, another drunken night. I see some self applied detox in my future. On the bright side, we had one of our best responses in Philly ever. Philadelphia has a history of being a tough crowd for me on jager tours but last night they were great.

Today is the one year anniversary of Meghan and I getting married and my sister's birthday.

2004/11/20 10:41

Last night in Cleveland the Chimaira boys (and Jenny) joined us at the show. Before putting Slayer onstage Matt and Mark came out and threw darts at me - too bad they threw like the stereotypical limp wristed six year old girl. Both of them hit me (barely) in the stomach instead of the chest - they claim they didn't want to throw too hard and hurt me, heh. It was great of them to come out though and I loved seeing everyone again.

2004/11/21 13:31

We are in Cincinatti. Last night in Niagara went well despite one of the toughest layouts of a venue I have ever seen. The crew kicked ass on every set change and got us plenty of time between the bands. I also did some quick shooting for a documentary (student film).

Tommorow we have the day off and if all goes well I will get a couple new columns done.

Also, I love my wife.

2004/11/21 17:36

 

One hour till doors. Ninety minutes till we start the show. Entertainment on our bus is usually Full Metal Jacket on a loop in the front lounge and a rotation of Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and playing MK: Deception in the back. Life = good.

2004/11/22 14:30

Our bus is parked across the street from one of the largest free wifi spots in the country (to believe the signs) and I am still forced to go through my phone for service. Maybe later I will walk over to a cafe or something with my laptop. First though I am going to do some writing while watching our newly acquired bus copy of season three ATHF.

I have already walked around the area extensively and not found anything I was looking for besides a pretzel stand - but I did get a new toy for the ferrets.

2004/11/23 11:49

Back at The Nation in DC - still wish we played the 9:30. Should get to see Josh and other from the area hopefully.

I made an honest effort at writing yesterday but ended up with little more than an annotated outlined. I will do more today and hopefully finish by tommorow with our extra day off.

Last night I got a couple slices for dinner and then hit a gameworks arcade with Russ and Scott. Russ is taking a week away from the tour for the holidays and so we picked up Evil Jared as a temp for the week starting today.

2004/11/24 13:02

Last night went well - nicely received and a bit inebriated. I have been curtailing my drinking but last night everybody wanted to do a shot and I got swept up in it. We had a visit from slipknots tour manager (now out with the donnas) and a few other notables stopped by. Up in VIP some dumb chick knocked out one of my plugs so I had to make a new one this morning - pain in the ass.

We are enjoying a day off in Raleigh and will having a fondu dinner tonight.

2004/11/24 22:52

 

Fondue dinner seems like a good idea until you factor in giving us weapons for utensils. Jimi has a nice pic of me with two tongs through my septum. After we hit a hooters where we somehow ended up paying waitresses to beat on Weaver. Good times.

2004/11/25 12:20

This venue always makes me think of tabernack (I have no idea how to spell it, thats phonetic) a regional profanity from where I grew up.

Our tour photographer/videographer Fran returned to the tour today. The local rep brought us a thanksgiving dinner (albeit for breakfast / lunch), a very nice gesture. I had a cheese biscuit.

After purging almost three dozen holiday greeting messages from my email I am thankful I don't celebrate thanksgiving.

Save a turkey, kill a pilgrim.

2004/11/26 12:20

Last night the jager crew conspired to pull off a great prank - in fact, it still hasn't ended. I'll post the whole story when I can, but for now we are keeping it alive.

The crowd was really good but not the best counters. I do a bit where I have them scream 'Fuck Yeah' for me on three but last night they pretty much screamed at one. No big deal, I'm writing it off as enthusiasm for what I was doing and thats fine by me.

 

(Note: Anyone who has seen me on tour knows I swear like a sailor onstage. The prank involved convincing Slayer's tour manager that there was a no profanity law in effect and that he would be held responsible and fined for every obscenity I uttered onstage. We had the help of a local law enforement officer and it went over perfectly. To this day I don't think he realizes that they didn't just get lucky and not get fined.)

2004/11/26 16:34

Sorted and cleaned props.
Wrote latest column and emailed it to Shannon for editing / posting.
Booked return flights for after the tour.
Worked on a new act.
Did some bookkeeping.

Not bad so far.

The other day I got a bit reflective and realized how great things are working out for me right now. A litte luck and some work is paying huge dividends: Sexy wife, cool pets, new house, on my second national tour of the year, next year looking even better for the show...

2004/11/28 12:00

Just had a nice lunch at the Hard Rock here in Orlando - which is also where we are playing tonight. Great venue.

Last night I finally got to meet Reverend B Dangerous in person, along with Stitches. Very nice people, had a great time hanging out with them.

Three days in New Orleans coming up and then Texas!!

2004/11/28 22:50

On tour you meet all kinds of people. This is usually good. A few minutes ago I was standing in the foyer of the venue and two girls came up and said 'hi'. I responded with a simple hello and a handshake. One of them was wearing a bondage collar. I commented 'nice collar' and the other one flew off into a rant about how I was married and that this was her girl and how dare I say shit like that. My reaction was an immediate what the fuck?! Can't I compliment a nice accessory? Shit like this is seriously why people who work publicly avoid the public. If I can't legitimately say something like this without being attacked or second guessed why should I even bother talking to people?

2004/11/29 14:05

Last night's show was wonderful - the hard rock venue is great. Easy to deal with and work in. The orlando corwd is always good to me too, last night was no exception. I did get to make fun of a couple people with the old heckler put downs but overall I went over well.

We left early to head for New Orleans. After a few small snafus with parking we are at a nice hotel near the casino, blackjack time!

2004/11/30 15:28

We are at the New Orleans House of Blues. It is a pain in the nuts. There is no parking for the bus so we loaded in via cabs from our hotel where the bus is parked and will stay, leaving us nowhere to go and without our usual backup supplies. The stage is small and cramped as is the rest of the venue. Production is a hassle since they are very uppity about postering and the like. I expect to very little time during the set changes and at the least all the crew will be less than thrilled due to the conditions. And personally I prefer my techs to be happy. Tommorow is off again though and that should be fun, then its off to Texas.

2004/12/01 12:29

Per my previous entry, the New Orleans house of blues does not exactly live up to the other ones we have played. It wasn't all bad though, I got to finally meet Matt Gone in person and will likely head out tonight and get dinner at Coops where he works. I also found a nice present for Meghan and got a great slice of pizza along with some blackened voodoo lager next door to the venue.

At the end of the night we had to make a quick run with the gear in a pickup truck back to our hotel and bus - which meant I didn't really get to say goodnight to everyone properly. I should also mention that the techs did a fantastic job of getting us good stage time between the bands.

2004/12/02 12:36

We're in Houston. I resisted the call of the casino yesterday - perhaps to my dismay. Jimi, Fran, and Scott all had good runs and came back up on the trip. I'll make it back in Vegas.

Tommorow I get to Meghan in San Antonio.

2004/12/03 14:58

A little something from back in New Orleans. Some guy came up to me in the mall and was amazed by the whole transformation - as he walked away his last words were, 'Only in New orleans'. This happens all over and always amuses me since it mainly tends to happen when I am on tour which means it happens everywhere and not 'only' any particular place.

Houston show went well. The crowd was oddly mild - they screamed and yelled at the appropriate moments but never really got rowdy of their own accord. The opening jager band (faceplant) was one of the best received yet. They got some applause as they left the stage. Many of the openers have been getting booed or even had things thrown at them throughout their sets. Slayer fans are pretty fanatical.

2004/12/05 02:17

I'm at our house in Austin, there is a ferret (Houdini) in one of my shoes. I drove straight back here after putting Slayer onstage in Corpus. Last night the cheerleaders came to the show in San Antonio and I went home with Meghan afterwards. Today I drove down to Corpus for the show, tonight I will sleep here, in the morning I will drive to Dallas and rejoin the bus again.

2004/12/06 18:38

Got to Dallas with Allen yesterday with no problem. The venue wasn't really suspension friendly in terms of the architecture so we just decided to do our usual bit and enjoy the night instead of busting ass to get a few minutes up on hooks. The show went well. CJ was there but I didn't find him till around Slayer's set. Afterwards Scott and I joined Mastodon down the street at July Alley for a couple beers. Killswitch's crew got tattooed at Obscurities (magic bullets).

We are currently in Amarillo - we stopped to avoid an overdrive charge on the bus. When we got here it was very nice but now its cold and raining. I walked to a bookstore, where I got a bendy blinky keychain, and it was very enjoyable. However, to get back to the hotel I had to call a cab because the water in the streets was too deep to cross and it was freezing cold.

Tommorow we play in Denver, I may have some cousins at the show that I haven't seen in years. The day after will be in Billings, Montana and my sister will be coming out to say hi.

2004/12/07 14:22

Ah, the Denver Fillmore. I am sitting under the lovely picture of the good Mr Lifto on the wall here. Another day of the usual nonsense. Fun Fun Fun.
Denver was a good show, followed by a return to inebriation. Apparently saki and jager make for a drunk lizard. I was a little slowed down for the day in Billings, Montana.

My sister, Erin, and her friend Heather came out to show in Billings. They only stayed through Mastodon due to the two hour drive back to Bozeman but that was enough time for them to get to see the bus and watch me work some. It was good to see her.

That night we got some bad news, the Damageplan shooting. Almost everyone on this tour has at least met those guys and many were good friends with them. It definitely put a pall over the night. We rolled out early for a straight drive to Portland. We will be here for three days due to not being able to promote in Washington state.

2004/12/10 15:24

Contentment, complacency, and compromise are synonomous with death.

Fear drives most monkeys - fear of losing what they have and/or not getting what they are after. Some clever monkeys learn to seek out fear. Those who find it either control and use fear or are consumed by it. Monkeys without fear are not well suited to survival or success on any terms.

Yesterday off, today off, tommorrow off, show on Sunday. Portland is overcast as hell - lovely, just my style. I could use more heat but the lighting is perfect. This morning I resisted the urge to spend a great deal of money at a knife store then had a decent slice of pizza with a superior root beer for lunch.

2004/12/11 16:59

I just had a nice subway lunch (I get american and cheddar cheese with lettuce, green peppers, and cucumbers on wheat or italian herb and cheese breadwith red wine dressing) on the bus. We are parked a block or so away from our hotel here in Portland; the Westin. It's been a very nice series of days off - relaxing and still productive.

Yesterday I found a great used bookstore and got some really nice books on houdini and escapes. I also got another gift for Meghan.

2004/12/12 14:45

Performers only exist, are only alive, when they are onstage. Not performing is like being a temporary zombie, undead and waiting for rebirth under the lights.

So, yeah, I am happy to be back on a show day. We're at Roseland in Portland. I haven't been here since 1999 with Godsmack. It's not perfect but it does have its charm and amenities. My good mood could make up for a lot today though.

Less than a wekk till I'm home. I've already come up with some new acts for the next tour in the spring. It should be a good time burning through these last few shows, all pretty good towns and venues. And when I get home I will be taking residence in WoW (world of warcraft).

2004/12/13 14:31

Redding, CA - last day off of the tour. We do four shows in a row and then its over. Last night was fun, a little weird towards the end. Something upset my stomach and I turned in a little early.

I felt like taking a walk when I woke up. So, I grabbed a bottle of water and did a little recon around our hotel. Nothing much notable except for a well stocked ferret section at a Petco (since ferrets remain banned in california - dumbasses) where I picked up a new toy for our weasels and some guys offering to smoke me out in the parking lot. Its before noon and I havent even showered or had breakfast but I am getting offered weed. I declined.

Not really sure what to do with myself right now. I know I am going to work on sorting and packing but otherwsie I am in an odd headspace. Maybe I should get that food and shower.

2004/12/13 22:36

Got food - pizza hut breadsticks and a couple slices (we made a partial group outing). Got a shower and a shave. Started feeling a bit more focused. Took another walk and found a best buy and a mall. I picked up the game guide for World of Warcraft. I am gearing up to play post tour. I haven't ever anticipated a game this much before.

Nice bonus, the guide has exclusive comics by Penny Arcade. I really dig Penny Arcade.

Our condo complex has apparently attracted a rodent or rodents. The HOA had people putting out bait according to Meghan. She has heard something the last couple days - probably mouse or squirrel. The ferrets reportedly bristle at the noise. They probably smell whatever it is too. Since they naturally prey on rodents and were used to hunt rabbits historically I suppose its the instincts kicking in. I'll admit to a certain enjoyment at the thought of them gang killing an interloper. Hell, I'd be damn proud of them. But, its probably better that whatever it is be taken care of by other means since they could get hurt or pick up something nasty of it.

2004/12/14 05:17

On the bus, in my bunk. The night has turned entertaining. I was called out of my bunk to join a game of carny blackjack (yes, we just made it up). I bought in for $5 and ended up $20. Jagerrob got trashed, trashed the hotel room, and had to be forcibly awakened to make it to the bus. He wears the sharpie makeup of shame currently - heh.

Don't pass out in public areas.

2004/12/14 14:14

San Francisco, the city where the venue is worried about too many posters ruining the look and feel of the room but outside next to our bus there are crack deals going down. I just photographed a deal and the crackhead getting high on the sidewalk afterwards from our back bus lounge. Lovely.

2004/12/14 19:37

 

The crack deals continue. People are hitting pipes openly on the sidewalks as if simply smoking cigarettes. We did find an oasis though: Original Joes. An italian place right out a godfather movie. Fantastic food and ambience.

2004/12/15 19:23

Vegas - House of Blues. The Dimebag shooting is making a lot of venues ignore tour laminates and go with their own day specific sticky passes. its a pain in the ass and sets of my conspiracy radar. Use of a shooting to get acceptance of increased security and the victim being someone who would have stood up against invasions for such reasons...

Really its just another old power struggle, clubs don't like being dictated to by tours even though the tour brings them the money and this just gives them some ammo.

The bus has been away for awhile due to parking issues - stupid really since this place has plenty they just arent lined up well. I used the spare time to gamble - poorly. Lost on slots on a couple turns of the roulette wheel. I should stick to front lounge cards and taking my tourmates money.

Tonight our bus is being turned into a very large taxi/shuttle as the head of the tour program is bringing 8 or so friends on for the ride to San Diego. Doesn't bode well and is already being annoying as we try to clear space for 15+ peoplke on a bus that sleeps 12 (and that when no one has any luggage above the bays). Its as if they are trying to make us all be very happy for the end...

2004/12/16 15:37

I went to bed around 3am, no disturbance arose me regarding our extra passengers so it turned out to not be a problem beyond re-arranging space.

After the show we headed to Red Square and downed some nice chilly shots with Kerry and others. I wandered past some strip blackjack in our front lounge at one point. All in all, it was a pleasant evening and a good show.

This morning we had an unscheduled stop due to Russ reacting badly to some food - think instant purging on both ends and you get the picture. He made it off the bus in time though and is recovering now. It is a beautiful day in San Diego even if we are at a lame no alcohol club (Soma) with an uptight owner out to make things difficult because its a jager show. Still the crowds are usually cool and we should have a good second to last show.

I need to brush my teeth and I would kill for nice hot shower and shave.

2004/12/16 17:58

 

Shower, shave, and other business achieved without homicide.

2004/12/17 13:09

Despite it being a no alcohol club the guitarist from the local opener (Mower) managed to puke coming off stage...on Armand, Kerry King's guitar tech.

Being that a lot of our schtick onstage for the tour does involve jager we had to fill time in other ways - so we enlisted the help of the jagerettes. Of course, most of the crowd was too busy screaming 'show us your tits' to pay attention to the stunts but it still worked out nicely.

Normally I don't care for Xmas cards but Kerry and Ayesha gave us all cards last night - and if more cards were this cool I might change my overall opinion. Even more impressive, they personalized each one. They defintely rank very highly among the better people I have had the good fortune to get to know.

 2004/12/18 16:44

Our beloved jager tour has come to and end once again. I am waiting on flight from the san diego airport now. Home and a recap later tonight.

2004/12/19 00:57

I am home. Now begins the process of adjusting back to non-tour living. Learning to once again properly interact with and operate in the other world off the bus.

I'll post some pics and my tour report soon. Couple notes from the LA show:

I did the gavage by request - Jagerrob drank some and puked afterwards.

Met Elijah Woods (Frodo from the LOTR movies) he was excited to meet me, to my surprise, and showed me his elvish tattoo that 'the nine' from the films all got done.